Fall seems to be a season of observation and introspection, at least for me. I’d like to talk about something I’ve noticed several times over the years, but also quite a bit recently: thoughts on what is sometimes referred to as “empty nest syndrome,” or even more simply, feelings as our babies turn another year old and eventually become adults.
I do have a disclaimer before diving in. This change and how it is viewed varies from person to person partly due to personality and upbringing. Take me, for example; I am an extreme introvert and an only child. I was raised quietly and also learned from a very early age to depend on myself for entertainment. I had an active imagination and loved to read and do quiet activities. I am also an HSP so I can get overstimulated easily.
I am also not one to judge. The following are examples (with no judgement) of things said to me, or that I’ve read on social media in regards to children growing up or feelings on being an empty nester: “I have no idea what to do with myself when my children aren’t around.” “As soon as all my children were school age and not babies, I fell into a deep depression.” “I’m having a hard time with my child just turning X age, because it means Y.”
It’s definitely true that we always picture our kids “Forever Young” just like the Rod Stewart song says.
After I had mine, I looked at them and loved seeing what milestone was next; loved seeing their personalities unfold; loved as they got older that it was easier and more fun to play since they could talk and understand what I was saying. I loved more sleep, no diapers, less crying. In a way, it was a little like watching a movie or reading a good book; you can’t wait to see what’s next.
In Buddhism, they speak of being mindful. Basically savoring every moment; living in the present without looking forward or back. I truly think that is an excellent way to parent. I’m not sure who said “living in the past causing depression and living in the future causes anxiety” but this also applies to parents. I’m in no way suggesting that you don’t plan ahead, or look back on great memories! It’s a balance of looking back fondly on your memories, but not dwelling; looking forward to who they will become, but don’t worry.
I also feel certain that it is imperative, a literal healthy necessity, for parents to have their own identity, their own friends and interests. To make their relationship with their partner if applicable the priority, because kids grow into adults one day and move out. You don’t want to be looking at a stranger at that time. It’s also healthy for kids to see this. They need to grow up knowing friends, interests, self-care, etc, is important. Think about this: would you want your kids to grow up and think their kids are their ONLY identity? Do you want to raise well-rounded individuals?
I love that my time is 100% my own now. I can focus on my goals, my art. I’m definitely not suggesting you cannot do these things with small children, but it’s so much harder. I put my kids first then; and now, I can throw myself into my goals and plans while still watching them evolve as adults. I think some parents are sad “they don’t need me anymore.” The fact is your kids always need you, your relationship just grows and you are not “in control” anymore. If you can embrace that, they will still come to you for occasional advice, help, and want you around.
Change and seasons, while difficult at times, are inevitable. Having good friends to talk with helps, meditation can help. My children are grown and what helps me is knowing I can pat myself on the back for a pretty good job. 🙂. My kids are healthy, smart, kind individuals. I may not agree with everything they do, but I didn’t want clones; I want them to follow their own dreams. My oldest, in fact, is in college to be an anesthesiologist; she applies to medical schools in the next year or so. My youngest is learning 2 other languages and loves spiritual stuff like me. The movie will continue to unfold and I’m still enjoying it immensely! ♥️
Exploding glitter box 